Deep Breathe

Over the next few days I attempted to be Bob's coach to work through the anxiety. Thinking techniques, to baths, to deep breaths. They did seem to have some benefit but not long lasting. What was going on? Things just didn't seem right.
The shaking,jolting,constricting muscles seemed to be lasting longer and longer. Hours.

September 8th ER Recap

Bob was in great duress. He felt as though it was not anxiety but since that was what the medical community called it, so did he. The staff at the hospital was great and within minutes of receiving a 2mg shot of adivan, he was calm. They made an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist that evening.
The psychiatrist was in agreement with the meds he was taking but did decide to switch up how the fluoxitine was taken. He was to take both in the morning. 80 mg before noon. By the way, that is normally the highest dose given. She added pamelor.
We were exhausted.

Rewind to Saturday, August 27th

Let me just say this before I start, I'm trying desparately to catch up with myself. The past few weeks have been so full of emotion. Bob went through a few weeks of complete mental and physical anguish. On Saturday August 27th Bob awoke not feeling quite right. He had been seeing progress with the depression and Saturday was a bit of a set back. First of all, our dear son-in-law was here with us for a couple of days and Hurricane Irene was gearing up to give a wind and rain.
Saturday though was our PA grandson's 4th birthday and we were going to his party. But about an hour before we were suppose to go, Bob started to shake uncontrollably. I called our family doctor and we discussed what the problem could be. After all my finger pointing to meds, we thought it was probably just an anxiety attack. When I asked Bob if he was anxious about going to the party, he responded, why would I be anxious about that? Our doctor had called in a prescription for lorazapam, the generic of adivan. Waiting for the the prescription to get filled was horrible....I kept thinking about my 4 year old's request that I come to his party early, and how I said, you bet buddy! There I was, standing in CVS with his party to start in 15 minutes. At that moment, I think I started to HATE the disease that was consuming my husband. I wasn't torn with my obligation, I was just sad. But I had to dig deep, say a prayer and believe that my God would not leave me alone with this.
I called my son to let him know what was happening. My son-in-law offered to stay home with Bob so I could at least spend some time at the birthday party. As heart wrenching as it was to leave Bob for a few hours, I thought, when I return he will be better.
The next few days proved to be full of more shaking but on September the 5th things seemed to turn around. Bob was great on the 6th and 7th and was starting to feel as though he could go to work on Thursday the 8th. On the 8th he woke up with muscles constricting, shakes, jolts and just feeling terrible. The lorazapam was no longer working. Somewhere in the midst of all this, the fluoxetine was increased to 40mg twice a day. I remember sitting straight up in bed on night thinking, that is a lot of fluoxetine!

On the 8th we ended up in the ER.

The Other Side Of Depression - What do we do with this?

This illness may have stolen "time" but it will never steal my love for my husband. In fact, it has shown me just how much I love him.

The Other Side of Depression - Episode 1

In our 33 years of marriage, my husband has experienced 4 debilitating episodes with depression and anxiety. Let me give you a background on who my husband is; he is hardworking, he is artistic, he is a songwriter, he is a guitarist, he is a drummer, he is a "keyboard-ist", he is a carpenter, he is a furniture maker, he is a craftsman, he is a good husband....and the list can go on and on...He is a DOER. When he is hit by the Depression, he can do NOTHING.

When we were pregnant with our first child over 32 years ago, we saw the depression for the first time. We were young and just didn't fully understand. After about 3 months of taking Valium, he weaned himself off the meds and was fine. We didn't give the illness a second thought. Our nest was getting ready for our first peep.

Though I was young, there was one thing I noticed when the depression hit. I noticed Bob's eyes. They looked painful. It wasn't so much a look of sadness, as it was pain...pain in the brain. Trying to grab hold of life but just not able to reach. Darkness.

Sifting Through

I'm famous for getting "big ideas", being excited and then not following through. What is the deal with that? I use to get pretty upset with myself until I realized that I'm "sifting through". It is possible that I could better handle my way of sifting, but I do have fun. My goal here is to encourage you not to give up looking for that dream, whether it is a new job or pursuing your own business, crafts, relationships, studying, or what ever you might find yourself sifting through. If you love new ideas or love revisiting old ones, let me be the first to say, enjoy sifting and finding that gold nugget.

I love to write and for years I kept coming up with grand ideas for writing a novel. Oh, I'd be excited and formulate an outline, write a chapter or two and than, nothing. Finally, my husband said, why don't you write short stories? What a great idea! So, after my first grandchild was born, I decided to write to her and my future grandbabies. Did I do it? Yes,I did. At some point as they get older each one will receive a book
from Grams.

My point is, don't beat yourself up if have not decided what you want to be when you grow up, just keep sifting.

Finding The Time

Why not make today the day you make a difference in someone's life? Think about what would bring a smile to a face. Open the door for someone, if someone is loading groceries into their car, stop and ask if you could return/use their cart...it doesn't take much. Another thing I like to do is purchase a book and give to someone who has mentioned a topic. Money is on all of our minds during these economic times.

I'd love to hear what you do to touch a life.